Paradigm Shifted

In my post on happiness yesterday, several comments came up about “not taking things personally”. I think this is a common problem for everyone, and I’m not sure that the cause of it is always what we think.

There’s been some interesting research done in this area though, and as I’m a big evidence-type person, learning about the results of this research has really helped me learn a little perspective.

So here’s the thing:  when something in our lives goes wrong, we automatically assume that we’ve messed up.  When someone does something hurtful (or stupid), we assume they are deliberately trying to hurt us.  When we fail to achieve a goal, we assume that we went about it all wrong.

Whatever the “truth” of the situation, there is one thing all this has in common – our uncanny ability to bring it all back to our egos. This isn’t because we are all inherently selfish, however.   In fact, I think selfishness has nothing to do with it.  Instead, I think we are just so used to seeing things through only our own eyes, that we fail to take into account other perspectives.  We then assume that the whole world is part of our storyline, and all eyes are on us.  This is a tremendous amount of pressure!

This is often called “the spotlight effect”, the idea that the whole world is watching and paying attention to everything little thing we do.  Too, we also assume that everyone else is critical.

So, we take extra care to make sure that our socks match, our hair is perfect, our speech is impeccable, and we’ve dotted all the i’s and crossed the t’s.  Some of us take this to extremes and are paralyzed with fear of judgment from others.  And most of us feel intimidated by the thought of others watching, that we avoid trying anything new and uncomfortable.

But here’s the thing of it – no one cares as much you think (or as much as you care).  Why?  Because they are just as wrapped up in their own concerns and worries to pay much attention to yours.  They are also only seeing the world through their own eyes, and worried that you are going to be critical of them.  And so we hide behind our fears and miss opportunities to build genuine connections.

There are a number of studies that demonstrate the spotlight effect in intriguing detail.  My favorite is the one in which college students were given Barry Manilow t-shirts and asked to walk into a party.  The students were apprehensive, because Manilow isn’t exactly a hit among young people.  When asked how many people they thought had noticed and were critical of the shirt, the students thought probably half.   Turns out, less than a quarter of the people in the room even noticed the shirt, let alone would have had a criticism of it.  The study has been repeated in different groups with different shirts and the results are the same – much fewer people actually noticed the shirt than the subjects thought.

The other interesting piece of research I’ve come across is much more practical – when given information about how little people notice the things you think are like a neon-sign on your forehead, people tend to perform better.  In other words, you might be nervous and sweaty when you speak publicly, but no one ever actually notices.   And knowing this will automatically make you more relaxed. Crazy, huh?

So.  Chill.  No one cares (or notices) as much as you do. Use this as an opportunity to make a fool of yourself trying something new, and take comfort in the fact that you’re the only one who knows how foolish you look.

Last week was my birthday. I think birthdays are a good time to look back at your life and think about what makes life good and bad. This year, I think I am happier than I was last year. And in fact, life seems to be getting progressively better. So what’s changed? I can’t speak for everyone, but some things I’ve done that I think have had a positive effect on me:

1. Take a realistic assessment of your life. Are you where you want to be? If not, what would you need to do to get there? In the past couple of years I’ve taken a look at my finances and my career and decided that there were things I could do to bolster both. I needed to get out of debt and set up a long-term savings plan, and I needed some vital experience to progress professionally.

2. Make a plan (or plans). I created a budget to get out of debt, and explored ways to increase savings. I also worked towards a masters degree, changed positions at work to gain some additional skills, and looked for opportunities to pick up some international research experience as well.

While these are some practical tips for getting life in order, there are also some more intuitive fundamental perceptions that I’ve changed:

3. Stop taking things personally. One thing I’ve really learned is that everything isn’t about me. In fact, less than a sixth of it is. Not only are people more caught up in their own lives, but they’re probably thinking the same thing I am about faults and foibles. So, instead of worrying about what I did wrong, I just accept things as they are. Chances are, no cares as much as I do anyway!

4. Try something scary (maybe even every day). One thing about us is that we are always seeking comfort and security. We try to wrap ourselves in safe little cocoons, and then something comes along to mess things up and we fall apart. But, if we consciously and willingly put ourselves in emotionally precarious situations, we find our own sense of inner strength and resilience. Stepping outside the comfort zone means broadening your perspective.

5. Learn empathy. I think one big step towards happiness is to practice kindness towards others. It’s easy, of course, to do so with those we get along with. But what about that person who gets on your nerves? How can you be kind to them when you just want to punch them? I think it starts with little things – not taking it personally, trying to put yourself in their shoes, remembering a time when you made someone want to punch you. Chances are, their annoying behavior has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with circumstances in their life.

6. Let go. This is the most important, and the hardest, thing you will ever do in your life. I certainly can’t claim I’m good with this one. But I am slowly (and painfully) coming to understand that control is an illusion. There is only one thing in life you can control – your actions. This means you can’t control what anyone else does. You can’t even control your emotions or thoughts. And you shouldn’t want to. But, you can control how you react to thoughts, emotions, and other people’s actions. And how you react is the single biggest factor in whether you are happy, or not.

This is not a prescription for happiness, and I can’t guarantee success. I’m still working on it. But I certainly feel a greater freedom, and a lot less fear. And that I think is a key element of moving towards happiness.